the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
