how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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