i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
