All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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