I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
