My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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