did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
