Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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