Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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