why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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