When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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