nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
