I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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