come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I am mentally ready for anal.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
