:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
