She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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