she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
not ubering you a puppy
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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