At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
