mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
