Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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