I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
