Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
