WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
