I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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