If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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