Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
