We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
