matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
