I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
