when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
