my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
this hospital has no fireball
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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