when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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