You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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