i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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