I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
