Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
