if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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