i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize