I wish my penis had an off switch
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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