genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
