I accidentally had phone sex last night
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
