Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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