Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
