i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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