just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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