allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
