So drunk its hurt
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
