the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
