if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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