The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
