OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
