people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
