i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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