I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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