Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
