Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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