Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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