Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
