In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
