I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
