I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
