I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I have already put on my inside pants.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
