Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
