kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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